I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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