areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
