so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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