I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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