That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Rumble strips road head = magical
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
