Don't make out with my wife yet
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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