I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
