Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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