im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
