He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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