When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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