I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
