Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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