Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
