I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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