Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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