video games are the ultimate cock blocker
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
