The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
