A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
