I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
