ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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