woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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