I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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