u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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