pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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