well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
two words: eviction party
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
