So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
