Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
