he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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