her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
