Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think I died a long time ago.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
