you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
