i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
