Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
