my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we're making bets on your personal life
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
