It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
