How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
