I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
