I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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