Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
