They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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