even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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