What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
