My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
