you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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