My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
