Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
