he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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