I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
