i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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