I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
