At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
