After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
