Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
