Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
