Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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