If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
