I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
i need some magic done to my vagina
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
