hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize