Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize