I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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