I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
