Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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