I wish they made helmets for livers.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
