Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Alive.
So much puke
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
