I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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