Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
now i know why i became what i already was.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
