Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
