I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
