What did we do last night that was yellow?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
a search helicopter?!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
