So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
