I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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