Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
