you guys were way drunker than both of me
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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